It's Not The Ham, it's You
by BaronessBlixen
Summary: Niles tries to confess his feelings to... ham? One-shot.


TITLE: It's Not The Ham, it's You

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.

A/N: I shamelessly stole this idea from another fandom and partly from a movie. I don't care, cause this is my story. If you know the movie, and or TV show, you'll probably recognize this easily. If not, well, I'm not going to tell you! Please review. I know the story is kind of weird. I wrote it in ten minutes and didn't change much about it. So please, please, please tell me what you think. No idea where this is set; what season, what episode. Just a silly little thing. Thank you.

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Maybe it was the coffee. The great amount of coffee he'd had today was running quickly through his blood as if trying to get him out of this rut. To get him to finally do the thing he'd been so scared to do for so long now. Maybe it was the coffee, but whatever it was, he couldn't hold it in much longer. His feet were dancing without music, without tact. They just needed to move. He needed to move. When Niles entered his brother's apartment without another care in the world there was nothing else he wanted to do but confess. Nothing but declare his love. Maybe it was the coffee. Maybe it was simple stupidity.

"I can't keep this secret much longer! Daphne! Daphne! I love – " The woman of his dreams, the English goddess he'd been thinking about so many days and nights, she came running from the kitchen. On her face an expression of worry, in her hands a plate with a huge piece of ham on it.

"Love... ham." Niles finished, breathless.

"Are you alright, Dr. Crane? I heard you scream!" Daphne exclaimed, staring at him with her big, beautiful brown eyes. Niles felt like he wanted to drown in them. Coffee. They almost looked like the coffee he'd been drinking. So much of it. Her eyes were more beautiful. So much more beautiful. He sighed.

"Dr. Crane?" Now, she was almost screaming herself.

"Daphne, I'm fine." He exclaimed with a sigh. All the energy was drained from him and he sat on the couch. His eyes still on her. All he could do. His eyes adored her, but apparently the rest of him wasn't able to. Maybe the coffee had brought him here, but his cowardice had stopped him once again.

"Do you want some?" Daphne asked. Niles stared at her, not understanding the question. Want want? Want her – always. Forever and always. An image of her in a white dress, him in a black tux appeared in his mind. It exploded right in front of his eyes, hurting his head. As well as his sanity, and his dignity.

"Excuse me?"

"Ham. Do you you want some ham? You just declared your love for the ham." Daphne smiled at him. It wasn't even a pitiful smile; as if she truly believed he loved ham. Niles only pitied himself. What a coward he was, what an idiot. He tried to smile at her, but he couldn't. Like he'd fallen from a great high, he felt unable to move another muscle.

"Ham? I – I- ." Words left him as well. The only friends he had left here. Where was Frasier? He didn't find the words to ask Daphne about his brother's whereabouts.

"It's for your brother's party later, but you can have a piece if you want." Her smile was too honest, too real. Niles felt a part of himself come alive again with hope, maybe with energy. A shot of courage.

"I hate ham." He said, trying out the boldness he had briefly felt inside of him. Daphne took a step back and looked surprised, almost taken back.

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'm sorry. It wasn't the ham I meant to confess my feelings to."

"It wasn't?" Daphne clung to the plate and it rattled in her hands, because of her apparent nervousness. She seemed to be shaking. Her eyes, like the coffee, which had given him so much energy, so much audacity, they encouraged him now. Finally.

"No." Niles wondered if he should take the plate from her hands. He was thinking too much about all of this. He wished he could rewind, come back in and do it right. This was real life, so there was no rewind button. He had to be spontaneous – he had to improvise. Without having a nose bleed, or faint.

"It's not the ham, it's..." he paused, tried to find the needed saliva somewhere in his mouth, because it was too dry; too difficult to say her name.

"Niles!" Frasier burst through the door. The plate and the ham fell to the floor. The older Dr. Crane seemed furious, and not even Niles knew why. He stopped in front of his little brother, breathing as heavily as a bull. Niles didn't care. His own eyes were fixated on Daphne. His savior, his goddess. His everything.

"It's not the ham," three pairs of eyes landed on the ham on the living room floor, "it's you, Daphne. I love you." The words were out. There was nothing more to say, nothing to wait for. His heart beat soundly, his lungs worked normally. The world hadn't ended.

"And I...," Daphne swallowed; she couldn't do this when the other Dr. Crane was staring at them like this. He was worse than Eddie. Apparently, he realized he was too late. He picked up the ham and the plate grumbling and went into the kitchen. Niles' heart drummed a steady beat as Daphne came closer, just the tiniest bit. She was smiling warmly, as if she'd only waited for him to find enough strength inside of him to finally confess. As if she'd waited as long as he had.

"I love you, too." They leaned in and didn't notice, and wouldn't have cared, for Frasier sharing a piece of ham with Eddie. Smiling at the two lovebirds. Knowing they deserved this moment.

END


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